Rattail

Rattail receives the gold star for the PERFECT opening message. I will cut and paste the highlights below, taking out certain details to protect the mystery of my profile. My notes in bold italics.

“You're such a dork. To me, this is a compliment.

[Insert a few cracks about how he thought he found someone cute and witty then discovered _______ embarrassing thing about me. Something for which I will have to “make up” for with future awesomeness] He made me laugh immediately. His sarcasm was spot on and his humor was intelligent.

You seem pretty chill and down to Earth; however I do have some important questions:

1) If you could have any super power what would it be and why? Great question! Especially because I had just seen XMen First Class. I was uber-prepared to answer.

2) Most adventurous thing you've done as of late? (and no running with scissors doesn't count) Fuck! I’m not that “adventurous” by normal standards.

3) Favorite bar or wine bar in [Our city]? Recently I went to this little wine bar off [Insert Street Name] called [Insert Bar Name]. It was pretty legit. Second great question! He opened up the opportunity to invite me on a date if things go well.

[Insert a P.S. bringing attention to a band I like and simultaneously teasing me about a funny photo I posted of myself in relation to said band] His postscript also made me chuckle. He made a connection through music and then took a fair punch at me.”

   Rattail’s message stood out for the following reasons: He made me laugh out loud (and at myself), he had clearly spent time reading my profile, he kept me interested for the entire message, the message itself was not too lengthy, and he gave me information about himself without sending a biography, which I could have read on his profile. I have a pet peeve when guys will message saying hello followed by “A little bit about me………… [Insert their entire “About Me” paragraph from their profile.] I can easily go read someone’s page to learn more about them, but it’s important that you show me you took the time to learn something about ME.

   I have to admit, out of all of the guys I have met, talked to, been on dates with, etc Rattail’s sense of humor mirrored mine in such a perfect way that I was nearly intimidated by him. When I tell you Rattail is really funny, I am not telling you that I am really funny, I’m simply implying it.

All jokes aside, I was very interested in getting to know this guy.

   It took a week of clever messages back and forth for Rattail to finally ask if I was “emotionally available” for texting. It took THREE WEEKS after the first text to finally have our first date. Remember when I said it’s important to meet someone pretty quickly so that you don’t get too attached to the version of them that you’ve created through texting, emails, and all that jazz? I cannot express to you how firmly I believe in this theory.  I have to admit that I put off meeting Rattail on two occasions. I was in a vulnerable place for a few months, and I was really enjoying the attention I got texting with him. We were somehow becoming friends and making inside jokes before we had even met. He requested me as a friend on Facebook to make sure I wasn’t “the Octomom or into weird things or something… In a good way.” Every single thing he said to me made me smile, and I was nervous to meet him. His subtle cockiness was so well displayed that I even found myself jealous of girls on his Facebook whom he had recently friended. Clearly, he had friended these cute girls with the same features as me to make sure they, too, were not the Octomom. At this point, I realized I am bat shit crazy – certifiably nuts. Who thinks these things? I had somehow put him on a pedestal when I had no reason to even care about any of these people. I DO NOT KNOW THIS HUMAN. All I knew was he was a dorky insurance underwriter who got his “Check Please” nickname after telling me he was going to get a rattail at his haircut the day before our first date – asking if it would change my mind about showing up.

   I realize that all of this information makes me seem pathetic, slightly stalker-ish, and insecure, but if you can honestly say you wouldn’t overthink some of these things than more power to you. I promised myself to be honest to my readers under the assumption that my audience would not judge me, but instead keep reading. You know deep down, we share a little bit of crazy. I’m just here to admit it. It’s amazing how social networking can affect real life, without having any tangible contact to it whatsoever. Here I found myself vulnerable to someone I had never met. Two days before my date with Rattail, I went on a third date with Brooklyn and decided to stop worrying about what might or might not come of any of these adventures. Take THAT Rattail. You don’t scare me. I had bigger issues to worry about. Was Brooklyn going to kiss me that night? Oh god. This was going to ruin everything.

   Luckily, I was distracted enough by Brooklyn to not cancel my bowling date with Rattail. My brothers had given me a bowling ball and purple bowling shoes for my birthday, and Rattail suggested we put them to good use. To my surprise, Rattail was tall, handsome and just the perfect amount of geek. It makes my heart warm to hug someone you’ve been waiting to meet. You can feel each other’s anticipation beating rapidly behind your chest. He was just as nervous as I was, and I smiled to myself. Somehow, his fear helped calm me down and we talked for about an hour at the bar before setting up to bowl. “The Dude” must have been looking down on me with a glimmer in his eye because somehow I bowled two strikes in a row on the first game. Talk about impressive. I love to bowl, but I will admit that bowling as a first date was awkward. 

"The Dude"

   Wanna know why?

   First of all, you have to come up with a funny Bowler Player Name. You are not cool if you pick your own name, and you do not know your competitor well enough to make one up for them. We couldn’t use our dating site usernames. That would just feel strange. So, I made Rattail’s RATTAIL and mine, THE DUDE for obvious reasons.

  

   Next there is the uncomfortable “Choosing of the Balls,” which I had taken care of by owning my own great red ball of fire. I felt guilty watching Rattail roam around the alley picking up random hot pink, lime green and orange bowling balls - bouncing them each up and down a few times to get a feel for the weight, the finger holes, and overall comfort of all the options. I was relieved that I had the perfect ball. It matched my fingers, it was just the right weight and it had a personality that rolled with mine. If only I could find a man that fit me as well as my beloved ball.

   I do not know if putting on bowling shoes is uncomfortable for other people, but now that I have my own, I think I have become a bit of a snob. Other than immediately knowing your date’s shoe size, there is a sanitary concern with public shoe usage. Without thinking, I scrunched my nose and said “Do you know how many people have put their feet in those things?” Luckily Rattail is quick witted and snapped back with “Do you know you’re wearing bowling shoes the color of Barney?” I proudly said “YES!” We giggled and started our game.

   The most awkward part about bowling on a first date is the minutes in between your bowling turn. Every single turn is the same story. You stand there egging on your opponent as they uncomfortably bend over to show you their rear end. They stand there looking away from you as their ball hopelessly heads towards the pins. Then they either turn around with a celebratory ARMS UP IN THE AIR BECAUSE THEY DID WELL or a disappointed shoulder shrug for their gutter ball. Now… you stand up and welcome them back to home base with a high five and snarky “Nice try!” You take your turn showing off what your mama gave you. Then you try to act as cool as possible by holding your hands over the stupid hand drier praying it will help what is about to happen in your lane. You bowl your second shot and head back to your chair. The same jokes are made, the amount of time spent actually talking to eachother is zero, and this continues for at least one hour.

   After Rattail won the second and third games, we both were ready to retire. He asked me if we could go somewhere to hang out a little longer. I was feeling sleepy, but I had not spent enough time with my date to decide if I would want to see him again. So… we went to a bar and stayed there for three hours goofing around. Rattail is weird and awkward like me. He has a higher pitched, nerdy voice, and is not embarrassed to ask me anything. At one point, he dared me to question some old men who had walked into the bar how old they were. We nicknamed one of them Santa. Confronting these men was a terrible idea. All of a sudden I was surrounded by sleezy (but harmless) old geezers flirting with me. I was trying so hard to keep a serious face while Rattail sat at our bar stools laughing at me. I quickly ditched the gray hairs and went back to my date. When we finally decided to leave the bar, Rattail put his arm around me and walked me to my car. He gave me a quick peck and asked if I would save him a date after I got back from my vacation in two weeks.

   So here I was driving back from a seemingly perfect date and all I could think about was Brooklyn. Rattail really was a great guy. He is so funny and I can see myself hanging out with him. But there was just no “chemistry.” I told myself I would go on my vacation and see how I felt when I came back.

   However, the last thing I was expecting on my vacation was to hear from Dr. Snotface.  Like a wave crashing down over me, I lost all control and replied shortly after I got back home. In my lifetime, no man has ever chased me down as much as this jerk and it felt amazing. I knew he was no good, but it was so easy to talk to him. He apologized for things he’d done. I yelled at him for things he’d done. And then we just started catching up and laughing about stuff. I did not see him to post that previous blog post from his couch until a month and a half later. Yes. I was at his house. I am sure you are shaking your head at me. This was the “unfortunate” time period when Brooklyn dropped off the face of the planet, but I will get into ALL of this after I tell you about Brooklyn’s and my third date.

   There it is. I lied. London had not yet asked me out for ice cream when I posted that blog. That didn't happen until a week later…………..……

- “Check Please!”

Hello there - Hi - Hey There - How’s it goin”

SIMPLE STEPS TO GETTING A FIRST DATE

      ONE: Pass the initial contact/message

      TWO: Pass the profile examination (most superficial step)

      THREE: Complete a successful message thread

      FOUR: Suggest a fun/practical first meeting

   I would like to address each step in detail.

       STEP ONE:

   Like overcoming a crack addiction, you have to start somewhere.

   We will get to being the strong female making the first move at some point. I’m still too nervous to approach the subject. Today, let's talk about the daring boys who take the virtual leap and make the first "move.”

  Recently, I've been getting a little bored of my online suitors for their complete lack of creativity when sending me their opening statements. I'd say about 70% of guys make an actual effort to make a comment about something they read on my profile or crack a clever joke... Even though 90% of that 70% aren’t funny and don’t catch my attention, at least they try. Snaps to them. The other 30%, however, who resort to “Hello there” - “Hey There” - “Hi” - “Hey How’s it goin” need to take a course in HOW TO NOT BE THE LAMEST PERSON EVER 101. **

   Let's look at this realistically. I receive about 5-10 messages per day lately. I reply to maybe 2 per week. I know I am not the only girl in the online dating world who has thought "Seriously.... THIS is what I get?"  Come on boys! We've already taken the pressure off by not being face to face for the initial connection. There are no nerves of a crowded bar, dancehall or networking event, where immediate rejection is public and humiliating. You have absolutely NOTHING to lose and absolutely NO WAY to stand out unless you actually make an effort.

   Exclusively for my readers, I have decided to post a few of the more ridiculous messages I have received over the past few months. I WISH I had not deleted the really terrible ones for your viewing pleasure, but that damage was done before my bloggin days.

WARNING: Some of the following paragraphs contain graphic content, specifically designed to be viewed by adults and therefore may be unsuitable for children under 17. Said information may contain one or more of the following: crude indecent language, explicit sexual references, or graphic violence.

            Please note, I have kept all original spelling and punctuation intact.

I salute the mothers of these men. Here we go.

“A couple questions for you:
1. If you were a cat, what would your cat name be?
2. In your opinion, which type of cookie is the most delicious of all cookies?”

“I just wana fuck”

“hi, Okcupid says u r my only 60% match, I don't wana care about it. not sure u will be interested on me, pls check out my profile. I'm visiting LA this week AND looking for a new friend to hanout around for fun .. we can caht or talk to know each-other more befor plan something... let me know pls...”

Same Guy One Month Later – FYI I did not reply to his first message

“hi. I back from LA, it was short but interesting experience out there. specially I like Hollywood area, and the adventures of Universal studio is awesome !! Wish to go there again... This time we could not be connected, may be some other time... keep in touch and let me know how to chat you on messenger... take care...”

“If I were to know you more better, I would consider it as a blessing. Let me know what you think.”

“:-)”

“I like your hair.”

“Hello miss happy happy joy joy!”

“There' an 80 person orgy on the westside you're invited to, but the problem is if you come you'll be the 81st person, so you'll have to share or you'll have no partner.”

“Pancakes or Waffles”

“yah I'm hot, yah I have a big cock, but I think it's the nice guy inside that makes me stand out from the rest ;)”

   I’m not sure how to segue way after that last one, but I will say this. It’s unfortunate that Brooklyn DID in fact fall off the face of the planet. I assure you our first exchanges were much more interesting, eventful and polite than any of these. It’s VERY fortunate that Brooklyn re-appeared a short while later, because we’ve now been on five dates, and he’s turning out to be quite a chill dude.

   So now you know one of my truths. I would love to share the lie, but unfortunately I need to clean out my inbox so that a few fortunate bachelors can make it to STEP TWO.

- “Check Please”

** Now accepting applications for Fall 2012

Brooklyn

   Brooklyn is new to my area and suggested we go see some stand-up comedy. It was something we both enjoy and I have a favorite hot spot to recommend. I get free tickets and if we go for dinner we get reserved seating for the show. My suggestion was welcomed and we made plans to meet at the bar. I arrived early and decided to go have a drink while my date was in traffic. There were four or five open stools at the bar. I had the choice to sit next to two “bros” who appeared to be wannabe standup comedians, two feisty looking girls who did not seem to want another chick in their click or.... OORRRRR an attractive, tall, dark-skinned man eating alone. Attractive male was the obvious choice. Sauntering over, I asked if I could sit next to him. I ordered a Stella from the bartender as if I knew him personally. Nice. I’m going to look so cool when my date gets here! After talking for a bit, I discovered this guy  (Lets call him Dark Knight) worked at the club. If there’s one thing you should know about me, I’m not at all a “star fucker”*, but I do drool over comedians. If a guy is funny, my radar is buzzing. We were chatting it up and I found myself having a pretty decent time. I glanced behind me when Dark Knight stopped talking and Brooklyn was standing there, looking nervous to approach me. After all I was indulged in conversation with a complete stranger. Oh man. I hope he didn’t think I was a jerk.

   I jumped down off of my bar stool and gave him a hug. He was dressed in Levi’s, a red plaid shirt, Toms and a bomber jacket. Finally! A guy with some style. He was tall and gave me a great first hug. He said “Nice to meet you.” I awkwardly said, “Yes! Let’s get dinner” and started walking away from the bar.

   Ok. It’s one thing to be meeting people online and it’s another to be MEETING people you meet online. I’m not ashamed of being in the online dating world, but I will admit I felt slightly embarrassed that my date introduced himself in a booming voice in front of Dark Knight. Clearly we’d never met before, so now it’s OBVIOUS that I’m either 1) On a blind date or 2) On a first Online Date. I know I shouldn’t care about Dark Knight or anyone’s opinion on how or where I meet men, but if Brooklyn didn’t turn out well, I could have easily met up with Dark Knight after the show. Ok… ok. That might be a little drastic. I guess I should just be proud that Brooklyn is not shy about our situation.

   We sat down to have dinner and the waiter had to come back three times. We had not even started looking at the menu. Brooklyn and I did not stop talking. I adored how he ordered a “Budweiser” and not just a “Bud.” I wish I could embed a voice bit of how he says the full name of the beer, fully pronouncing the “wei” like “why.” It was endearing. I ordered my usual chicken lemon pasta and a Stella Artois. Brooklyn had a salad with grilled chicken. Once we got our order out of the way, we went right back to chit chat. Turns out he knows one of the bands I idolized for about two months in college, The Higher. If you do not know this band, I can only describe them as the Hansen Brothers gone terribly wrong and perverted and even more Pop-y.  I was embarrassed to admit I liked them for some period of time, but it was a funny connection. When he lived in New York, Brooklyn lived down the street from the house that The National lived in. Now here’s a band I could brag about loving. I was so jealous and wanted to hear all of his stories. I got lost in conversation with this guy. Brooklyn has beautiful blue eyes and an incredible smile. He’s loud (like me) and there was never a dull moment in our conversation.

The Higher

   

   After dinner we went into the show and sat across from one another. We made the occasional eye contact when the comedians would say something either of us could relate to. It was a great show, and I was very proud to bring him to such an awesome place.

   Brooklyn asked if I needed to get home early or if I had time for another drink. Two rounds later, we were closing the bar down. He politely walked me to my car. About a block before we got there, he stood still in his tracks and put his hands in his pockets. He smiled real big and said “Hey… I had a really great time tonight. Can I see you again?” I giggled and we made plans. Plans for him to call me the next week.

   Have you ever left a date and smiled the entire way home? That exciting feeling that makes your mind a little numb. The feeling that makes you stand a little taller and sing a little louder on the drive to your house?  After the first two nightmares that I had been on dates with, Brooklyn made this blog maybe a little less exciting for you, but a little more hopeful for me.

   Life is not dull. I will leave you with the following two truths and a lie to guarantee that we will see each other again.

   - London, my new neighbor, FINALLY asked me out for ice cream. He has an accent. DROOL.

   - Brooklyn dropped off the face of the planet. Where did I go wrong?

   - I posted this from Doctor Snotface’s living room. It’s a fucked up world.

- Check Please

*”Star fucker” – A term I learned from my boss, in reference to people who are obsessed with celebrities and will do anything to get one.

Shrek

   “I can’t handle gross feet and it really bothers me when a lady goes out on a date and doesn’t have a fresh paint job on their nails.” Shrek and I were talking about things we’re shallow about. I joked that people without smart phones can’t be very smart**, and then seriously asked him if he wears Ed Hardy. He said he does NOT wear Ed Hardy, but does wear Obey. (I’m not sure what sort of comfort that was) Then he dropped that bomb on me. I immediately peeked down at my feet trying to determine if they were un-gross enough. I put my hand out as if to stop traffic and checked out my nails. They looked rockin’. Phewf. Wait a second. WHAT? This was the first time I found it hard to take Shrek seriously.

   Shrek had consistently asked to have a phone conversation with me. When I finally allowed it, he talked a lot about fitness, P90X, high school football, and even told me his weight. Right after he told me his weight, he further explained that if he were to lose any, he wouldn’t look good. Gee, thanks for the reassurance! We hadn’t even met yet, but I was a little worried. Body image disorder, much? A few days later, I received a picture text of the muscle man at the gym making a cheap comment about my Alma mater. He was wearing a shirt supporting my school’s arch enemy. Mind you, he didn’t go to the school. He was just a fan. This was the second time I could not take Shrek seriously.

   We had initially planned on meeting for a drink after he got off work on a weeknight. My bestie, Special K was nice enough to go to dinner/grab a beer with me until he met up. When he texted at 9:30 saying he’d be there in 20 minutes, I asked to reschedule. He made some jokes about me flaking on him, and of course I got defensive about meeting someone late at night that I had never met before. (It’s a good thing Special K was there. She is great at keeping me sane when I freak out over awkward texts from boys). He called me and I explained that I had to get up early the next morning and would love to have coffee on Saturday. Shrek was reluctant to schedule a day date with me, but did so knowing I would not have any time to meet him until a week later.

   Considering it was a day date, I allowed Shrek to pick me up under two conditions 1) He did not kill me 2) He did not make things super awkward on the ride home if we had a horrible time. He accepted my terms. When I walked out my door to meet him, I honestly had to look around a little bit. There he was. Standing against his car. 6’4” is the height I was expecting. It’s possible that Shrek actually IS 6’4”, but his body is not at all proportionate. His legs are as long as mine. I am 5’6” on a good day. His upper body was HUGE. My first thought was SHREK!!!! His figure reminded me of a less pudgy version of the beloved Scottish ogre. Short legs, big chest, big head, a little hunched. My second thought was old? My third was REALLY… those sunglasses? And of course, he was wearing an “Obey” t-shirt. Too late to back out now?

   The car ride over to the fancy breakfast spot we were headed to was awkward. It was obvious; despite our high online “match” that we were not going to click right away. Yes, first dates are always a little awkward. I am pretty good at breaking through that, but when a guy is already checking his phone on the drive to the date, a girl can’t help but second-guess her awesomeness. It is amazing the vibe that attraction (or  non-attraction) can put off. I felt like he was staring me down – checking my nails, my feet, my weight, my hair. Did I mention that I made sure to wear my Barney Purple nail polish with a sparkle topcoat just to make sure he noticed my fresh paint job? It may have been a bit of a stab on my part, but I was happy to stick it to him.

   After a few uncomfortable minutes of conversation at the restaurant, I finally got a coffee out of our waitress. I was tired, and Shrek made me get up early on a weekend. Finding little to discuss, I asked him if he drinks coffee, and he replied “No. I stopped drinking caffeine. I also didn’t eat meat for a year. But a month ago, I started eating poultry again.”

   I am not joking.

   In an attempt to tease with him, I suggested the protein scramble. Of course he didn’t laugh. He told me he was considering it, but was “going to be bad and order the breakfast burrito.” I gave him thumbs up and said “Yay! It has chicken sausage.” Then I shrugged and ordered the fruit and yogurt.

   This took up the first 25 minutes at the restaurant.

   There were a few moments when I got lost in Shrek’s big brown eyes almost forgetting I was with an ogre. During one of those brief moments, Shrek reached up to give me a high five. We were talking about the new gym opening, and I had explained that I bought my pass before it was renovated so that I wouldn’t have to pay the new fee. I felt strong. I had his approval. I think he even said “That’a girl.” Then I saw that he shaves his arm hair. I did not notice his eyes the rest of the date. I felt like saying “You judge a girl for not having a fresh coat of nail polish, but it’s okay for you to show up with arms more prickly than a budding cactus?” Given, I didn’t shave my legs for the date, but I had the decency to wear a long dress.

   Shrek and I did have a few things in common regarding my hometown and our shared interest in sports. Other than that, it was a relief to finally walk out of the restaurant and into the sunshine. In a strange need to prove my athleticism, I told him about the amazing bike ride I was going to go on when I got home. (If I could ever get home). On the way to the car, we passed by a tent with 4 or 5 perfectly shaggy puppies that were rescued and looking for adoption. Seeing as Shrek’s profile stated, “Loves dogs, hates cats,” I thought this was going to save us both. Here we would bond over dogs licking our faces and desperately searching for love and attention.

   Shrek let me talk to the ladies helping and play with the dogs while he stood back on his phone. I walked towards the car in disgust. That’s it, mister. I asked him if he even HAD a dog, since he made a point in his first message to me that he hates cats. He told me that he does not personally have a dog, but his “family” dog is a Papillion. He continued to explain to me how smart the breed is and how it’s worth it to spend the money on a purebred rat-dog. Oh man. This is reason number four hundred seventy three that I could NOT take Shrek seriously.

   When Shrek did not get out of the car to say goodbye or thank me for a great time, I assumed he also did not have a fantastic experience. I will be honest, I was a little surprised to get two texts from him later that day, and another the following. I waited to answer until the third text. I was polite, but made sure he knew I was not interested. I’m sure he will find his Fiona somewhere far far away. I just hope in the mean time, I don’t run into him at the gym. Guess I’ll have to avoid the weight room.............. ;)

   In recent news, last night I went on a fabulous date with Brooklyn and can’t wait to tell you about it!

- “Check Please”

**If Orange’s fiancé ever tells the story of us getting lost because I tried to use my iPhone to find a bar, I’ll just die.

El Director

   You know how they say it’s a small world? In my first week of online dating, I learned that it’s an even smaller internet world. When El Director and I started talking more, we discovered that we have a mutual friend. And not just any mutual friend; we both know Bangs, my ISFJ twin, who I have become super close with over the past few months.  We talk every day and she already knew about El Director, she just didn’t know she KNEW El Director. Of course, I immediately asked her opinion.

   Taking Bangs’ advice, I prepared myself for the arrogant but nice, tall but Bangs tall (which isn’t saying much since she’s 5’1”), smart but film school smart and seemingly witty southern gentleman. I will admit I was nervous. El Director sent Bangs an email saying he was nervous and excited, promising that he would show me a good time. “Scouts honor.” But what if I was a total disappointment to this hotshot? I got out of my car wearing my favorite new silk blouse and my tight (questionably jegging tight) black pants. I walked toward the museum, where I knew he would be waiting out front. Hesitantly, I took off my glasses to look less geeky, hoping I’d still be able to recognize this stranger.

   An arguably 5’9” man wearing a beige sweater started walking in my direction, and I shook my head a little bit. I could not decide if he looked 5 or 6 months pregnant. If he was going to wear that unflattering sweater, the least he could have done was wear a bra. Boob flaps aren’t even attractive on a female. Man, this was going well.  We said our initial “hello”s. “You ready for the best trip to (insert art museum name here) you’ve ever had?” he said in a shockingly high pitched voice. Luckily, I had never been there before, so I confidently answered “Yes!”

   Unfortunately, I am going to have to drive another hour back to the exhibit before it leaves the city to revisit the art. I did not have enough time to read anything about the artists or their works. Going in, I thought we would run out of time because it was only open for another hour and it is a HUGE exhibit, but no. El Director would not shut up. I tried to blame Chatty Kathy on nerves, but it seems he can’t keep his mouth shut with anyone. As we were passing through a room full depressing paintings, El Director answered his phone, talked with his friend and at the end said “Well I should get back to my lovely date.” In the meantime, I was trying to pretend like I didn’t know the asshole on the phone in a museum. So when he put the device back in his pocket and asked if I heard what he said, I turned around and said “No. What’s up?” Did he really want me to throw him a bone for a rudely executed, indirect compliment?   

   El Director and I bounced around the several different rooms full of controversial art, and I could think of nothing but getting the guy some Ritalin. The few moments of silence I had to take in the visually stimulating displays of social movement were halted when he hugged my arm or pretended to be scared, hiding behind my back in a desperate attempt to get physical contact. His thinly veiled attraction to me took a sharp turn to Awkwardtown when he asked me to pose for some photos. I honestly wonder if he was there to see the art or bag some pics to show off to his friends later. ::sizzle::

   We argued back and forth as he would stand in front of a piece and proclaim, “I could do that.” I do not remember his online profile stating that he is a successful contemporary artist. Yes, I’m sure he could copy some of the pieces we saw. Most anyone could copy art. Where do you think the idea for Paint By Numbers came from? I endured what seemed like days, but by standard Pacific Time translated to a little over an hour. Just as I was visualizing putting on my new organic black algae facemask and jumping into bed early to watch whatever Housewives were fighting on Bravo that night, I heard “You hungry? Wanna grab a bite to eat?” God damn it. Seeing as I did drive over an hour to meet this guy, the least I could do was let him enjoy one more hour of my blissful company.

   At my request, we went to a really rad outdoor bar near the museum that often has live music or plays old martial arts films on the brick walls. I ordered my favorite Hitachino White Ale and the chicken satay skewers. El Director ordered a large hot sake and the house burger.  Over dinner we tried to find something we had in common. For the most part, I agreed to disagree in his taste in movies, music and television shows. I was somewhat grateful for the table of loud drunks next to us that provided a valid excuse for difficult conversation. There was not much to enjoy talking about, until he brought up online dating. He asked me how many messages I get per month on the site. I modestly giggled and asked “Per month? Or per day?” He sort of put his head down in disappointment when he learned that I receive the same number of messages to my profile per day as he receives in an entire month. I decided not to tell him I had only been on the site two weeks! He barked about how difficult it is to meet people in the city, and I noticed myself googling over the twinkle lights as he talked about his friends all being married already, blah blah blah. I explained to him that I am young and enjoying “just meeting new people.”

   I was starting to feel a little bit rude, which is unlike me, because we were arguing so much. He was trying to press my buttons. As the woman next to us stood up to leave she complimented me on my perfume. He looked at me and said “Oh, you wore perfume for me!” I felt no guilt as I replied with a straight face, “Actually I wear perfume every day. One of my biggest fears is smelling bad.” (true fact) He must have wanted to get back at me, so he went on his phone and told me some guy is always messaging him. I said “Texting you? Can’t you just ignore him” (Like I’m going to ignore you when I get your text tomorrow) No. Someone had been Facebook messaging him. REALLY? You’re on Facebook on our date? He must have read my disdain. He turned around and requested the check. Of course I awkwardly pulled out my wallet before I allowed him to pay the bill.

   As we walked out of the restaurant, he put his arm around me asking if I was cold. I was so uncomfortable. I said “No, I am not. Did you want me to be?” I shimmied away a bit trying not give any go ahead’s as he told me he was top notch at giving massages. I steered us in the direction of the parking garage. Thank God his car was parked two floors below mine so that we had to drop him off first. We hugged (I might have felt the baby kick) and I told him it was nice to meet him (and the baby). I quickly got up to my car, briefly answered a text from Shrek who I would be seeing in a couple days, and got on the phone with Bangs who THEN told me “I didn’t want to sway your opinion before going on the date, but this guy is not on the same level as you.” Ha.

   Walking away from date one, I was happy to feel beautiful and wanted. I am relieved that bachelor number one did not blow me away, because then you would not be here reading this right now. A little confidence boost was just the ticket to get back home, sign on-line and find another date. Little did I know, Shrek was somewhere out there pumping iron, anxiously waiting to meet me.

- “Check Please”

Check, please. Thank you!

The check came. After flipping through more than enough Jacksons in his wallet, he raised his eyebrows the way he always did and said, “Ummm… do you have any money?” Taking a deep breath, I handed over a bill to contribute. Before my final date with Dr Snotface I promised myself that I would not take out my wallet. We had been seeing each other for eight months and he had never taken me on a “proper” date. I always pulled out my cash, and he always allowed me to go Dutch. I made so many excuses for his shitty boyfriend syndrome. It was messy from the start, and by the time it was over, we had broken up and gotten back together four times. Two months after this dinner, there was finally a reason to hate Dr Snotface. I was relieved and ready to move on.

   I have decided that I am young. I want to date and I want to use this space to share what it is like to be a woman in her early 20’s who isn’t necessarily looking for love… I just want someone to buy me a God damn dinner.** For now, all date locations will remain anonymous and I will generously provide my suitors with Nicknames to protect them from what is about to happen.

   First problem. If I’m going to be a serial dater, where do I find men?

   When you make the decision to start dating, you have to accept that things are not like “Sex and the City.” It is not that easy to 1) meet someone every time you go out 2) find time or money to go out regularly, and 3) figure out what places to go out TO.

   Solution. Sign up for online dating! What better way to boost a girl’s self esteem? Let’s be honest. Things move quickly in today’s world. Efficiency is key. Why spend too much time getting to know someone when you can get the Spark Notes version with the click of a button. Seems interesting? Great! Seems lame? Next! It’s time to judge a book by its Internet cover. I plan on posting about the importance of setting up and editing your internet persona, but for now I’ve created the......

FAST TRACK TO AN ONLINE DATING PROFILE.

-       Username (Be witty but not desperate. Avoid using numbers)

-       Physical characteristics (Be honest but flattering)

-       Age. Sex. Location. Ethnicity. Education. Like cats or prefer dogs? Dietary restrictions. Religion. Drugs. Alcohol. Want kids?

-       About Me (Don’t get all awkward and pretend like you don’t want to use the website. Don’t brag too much. Try to be funny, but not annoying)

-       Favorite things (The word favorite doesn’t mean 50. Select the important movies, shows, music, foods, etc.)

-       Photos (Select pictures that are an accurate representation of you)

Be yourself, but the best version of yourself. The goal is to be unique and eye-catching without misleading anyone.

Reasons why Online Dating makes you feel Grrrrreat:

-       There’s an abundance of men checking out your favorite self selected photos

-       You can write about yourself without feeling too stupid

-       You have the option of only receiving messages and not having to send the first or even reply. And let’s get one thing straight, I don’t message, I AM messaged. ::sassy:: Don’t think I’m a snob for wanting to be chased.

-       Electronic “winking” – Don’t knock it ‘til you try it

-       You can actually track how popular you are. Not to burst my own bubble, but I average 150 visitors a week. ::interweb pimp::

-       There are no drunk men stinking of beer and cigarettes talking in a high volume dangerously close to your mouth

-       The fact that you can’t see your competition! What’s so beautiful about “online shopping,” as I like to call it is you feel like the only girl in the world, Rihanna style. 

Reasons why Online Dating is Gross:

-       The fact that there are crazies out there who could be dangerous. SAFETY FIRST :)

-       People only post the good pictures. Some may even be Photo shopped. This causes problems when you meet in person, which DOES occasionally happen!

-       MIRROR SELF-SHOT PHOTOS. ‘Nuff said.

-       Weirdo messages starting with “Hey Tiger” or “You look like a naughty girl” … Oh really? I look naughty with my huge glasses and Geektastic outfits? Not gonna fly, creepos

-       Competition. Even though you can’t see them, there are THOUSANDS of other girls on these websites. Don’t be fooled.

   After two weeks of weeding through emails, avoiding awkward instant chats, and checking out others’ profiles, I scheduled two dates. I’ve learned that it pays off to meet people who seem interesting sooner rather than later. If you continue phone conversations, text messaging, etc. you get used to the electronic version of them. It’s great that some guys are witty and charming via text, but it is disappointing when they are boring and stupid in person.

 I cannot wait to share with you the goofball world of online courtship. After my dates this week, my friends and I decided the experience is too funny to not write about. On top of meeting my individual dates, we will explore choosing a website, using the website and all that comes with it.

  Stay tuned to hear about my adventure to an art exhibit with el Director followed by the Brunch Date with Shrek.

- “Check, please!”

**Please note that I am not a gold-digging bitch.