Rattail

Rattail receives the gold star for the PERFECT opening message. I will cut and paste the highlights below, taking out certain details to protect the mystery of my profile. My notes in bold italics.

“You're such a dork. To me, this is a compliment.

[Insert a few cracks about how he thought he found someone cute and witty then discovered _______ embarrassing thing about me. Something for which I will have to “make up” for with future awesomeness] He made me laugh immediately. His sarcasm was spot on and his humor was intelligent.

You seem pretty chill and down to Earth; however I do have some important questions:

1) If you could have any super power what would it be and why? Great question! Especially because I had just seen XMen First Class. I was uber-prepared to answer.

2) Most adventurous thing you've done as of late? (and no running with scissors doesn't count) Fuck! I’m not that “adventurous” by normal standards.

3) Favorite bar or wine bar in [Our city]? Recently I went to this little wine bar off [Insert Street Name] called [Insert Bar Name]. It was pretty legit. Second great question! He opened up the opportunity to invite me on a date if things go well.

[Insert a P.S. bringing attention to a band I like and simultaneously teasing me about a funny photo I posted of myself in relation to said band] His postscript also made me chuckle. He made a connection through music and then took a fair punch at me.”

   Rattail’s message stood out for the following reasons: He made me laugh out loud (and at myself), he had clearly spent time reading my profile, he kept me interested for the entire message, the message itself was not too lengthy, and he gave me information about himself without sending a biography, which I could have read on his profile. I have a pet peeve when guys will message saying hello followed by “A little bit about me………… [Insert their entire “About Me” paragraph from their profile.] I can easily go read someone’s page to learn more about them, but it’s important that you show me you took the time to learn something about ME.

   I have to admit, out of all of the guys I have met, talked to, been on dates with, etc Rattail’s sense of humor mirrored mine in such a perfect way that I was nearly intimidated by him. When I tell you Rattail is really funny, I am not telling you that I am really funny, I’m simply implying it.

All jokes aside, I was very interested in getting to know this guy.

   It took a week of clever messages back and forth for Rattail to finally ask if I was “emotionally available” for texting. It took THREE WEEKS after the first text to finally have our first date. Remember when I said it’s important to meet someone pretty quickly so that you don’t get too attached to the version of them that you’ve created through texting, emails, and all that jazz? I cannot express to you how firmly I believe in this theory.  I have to admit that I put off meeting Rattail on two occasions. I was in a vulnerable place for a few months, and I was really enjoying the attention I got texting with him. We were somehow becoming friends and making inside jokes before we had even met. He requested me as a friend on Facebook to make sure I wasn’t “the Octomom or into weird things or something… In a good way.” Every single thing he said to me made me smile, and I was nervous to meet him. His subtle cockiness was so well displayed that I even found myself jealous of girls on his Facebook whom he had recently friended. Clearly, he had friended these cute girls with the same features as me to make sure they, too, were not the Octomom. At this point, I realized I am bat shit crazy – certifiably nuts. Who thinks these things? I had somehow put him on a pedestal when I had no reason to even care about any of these people. I DO NOT KNOW THIS HUMAN. All I knew was he was a dorky insurance underwriter who got his “Check Please” nickname after telling me he was going to get a rattail at his haircut the day before our first date – asking if it would change my mind about showing up.

   I realize that all of this information makes me seem pathetic, slightly stalker-ish, and insecure, but if you can honestly say you wouldn’t overthink some of these things than more power to you. I promised myself to be honest to my readers under the assumption that my audience would not judge me, but instead keep reading. You know deep down, we share a little bit of crazy. I’m just here to admit it. It’s amazing how social networking can affect real life, without having any tangible contact to it whatsoever. Here I found myself vulnerable to someone I had never met. Two days before my date with Rattail, I went on a third date with Brooklyn and decided to stop worrying about what might or might not come of any of these adventures. Take THAT Rattail. You don’t scare me. I had bigger issues to worry about. Was Brooklyn going to kiss me that night? Oh god. This was going to ruin everything.

   Luckily, I was distracted enough by Brooklyn to not cancel my bowling date with Rattail. My brothers had given me a bowling ball and purple bowling shoes for my birthday, and Rattail suggested we put them to good use. To my surprise, Rattail was tall, handsome and just the perfect amount of geek. It makes my heart warm to hug someone you’ve been waiting to meet. You can feel each other’s anticipation beating rapidly behind your chest. He was just as nervous as I was, and I smiled to myself. Somehow, his fear helped calm me down and we talked for about an hour at the bar before setting up to bowl. “The Dude” must have been looking down on me with a glimmer in his eye because somehow I bowled two strikes in a row on the first game. Talk about impressive. I love to bowl, but I will admit that bowling as a first date was awkward. 

"The Dude"

   Wanna know why?

   First of all, you have to come up with a funny Bowler Player Name. You are not cool if you pick your own name, and you do not know your competitor well enough to make one up for them. We couldn’t use our dating site usernames. That would just feel strange. So, I made Rattail’s RATTAIL and mine, THE DUDE for obvious reasons.

  

   Next there is the uncomfortable “Choosing of the Balls,” which I had taken care of by owning my own great red ball of fire. I felt guilty watching Rattail roam around the alley picking up random hot pink, lime green and orange bowling balls - bouncing them each up and down a few times to get a feel for the weight, the finger holes, and overall comfort of all the options. I was relieved that I had the perfect ball. It matched my fingers, it was just the right weight and it had a personality that rolled with mine. If only I could find a man that fit me as well as my beloved ball.

   I do not know if putting on bowling shoes is uncomfortable for other people, but now that I have my own, I think I have become a bit of a snob. Other than immediately knowing your date’s shoe size, there is a sanitary concern with public shoe usage. Without thinking, I scrunched my nose and said “Do you know how many people have put their feet in those things?” Luckily Rattail is quick witted and snapped back with “Do you know you’re wearing bowling shoes the color of Barney?” I proudly said “YES!” We giggled and started our game.

   The most awkward part about bowling on a first date is the minutes in between your bowling turn. Every single turn is the same story. You stand there egging on your opponent as they uncomfortably bend over to show you their rear end. They stand there looking away from you as their ball hopelessly heads towards the pins. Then they either turn around with a celebratory ARMS UP IN THE AIR BECAUSE THEY DID WELL or a disappointed shoulder shrug for their gutter ball. Now… you stand up and welcome them back to home base with a high five and snarky “Nice try!” You take your turn showing off what your mama gave you. Then you try to act as cool as possible by holding your hands over the stupid hand drier praying it will help what is about to happen in your lane. You bowl your second shot and head back to your chair. The same jokes are made, the amount of time spent actually talking to eachother is zero, and this continues for at least one hour.

   After Rattail won the second and third games, we both were ready to retire. He asked me if we could go somewhere to hang out a little longer. I was feeling sleepy, but I had not spent enough time with my date to decide if I would want to see him again. So… we went to a bar and stayed there for three hours goofing around. Rattail is weird and awkward like me. He has a higher pitched, nerdy voice, and is not embarrassed to ask me anything. At one point, he dared me to question some old men who had walked into the bar how old they were. We nicknamed one of them Santa. Confronting these men was a terrible idea. All of a sudden I was surrounded by sleezy (but harmless) old geezers flirting with me. I was trying so hard to keep a serious face while Rattail sat at our bar stools laughing at me. I quickly ditched the gray hairs and went back to my date. When we finally decided to leave the bar, Rattail put his arm around me and walked me to my car. He gave me a quick peck and asked if I would save him a date after I got back from my vacation in two weeks.

   So here I was driving back from a seemingly perfect date and all I could think about was Brooklyn. Rattail really was a great guy. He is so funny and I can see myself hanging out with him. But there was just no “chemistry.” I told myself I would go on my vacation and see how I felt when I came back.

   However, the last thing I was expecting on my vacation was to hear from Dr. Snotface.  Like a wave crashing down over me, I lost all control and replied shortly after I got back home. In my lifetime, no man has ever chased me down as much as this jerk and it felt amazing. I knew he was no good, but it was so easy to talk to him. He apologized for things he’d done. I yelled at him for things he’d done. And then we just started catching up and laughing about stuff. I did not see him to post that previous blog post from his couch until a month and a half later. Yes. I was at his house. I am sure you are shaking your head at me. This was the “unfortunate” time period when Brooklyn dropped off the face of the planet, but I will get into ALL of this after I tell you about Brooklyn’s and my third date.

   There it is. I lied. London had not yet asked me out for ice cream when I posted that blog. That didn't happen until a week later…………..……

- “Check Please!”

Hello there - Hi - Hey There - How’s it goin”

SIMPLE STEPS TO GETTING A FIRST DATE

      ONE: Pass the initial contact/message

      TWO: Pass the profile examination (most superficial step)

      THREE: Complete a successful message thread

      FOUR: Suggest a fun/practical first meeting

   I would like to address each step in detail.

       STEP ONE:

   Like overcoming a crack addiction, you have to start somewhere.

   We will get to being the strong female making the first move at some point. I’m still too nervous to approach the subject. Today, let's talk about the daring boys who take the virtual leap and make the first "move.”

  Recently, I've been getting a little bored of my online suitors for their complete lack of creativity when sending me their opening statements. I'd say about 70% of guys make an actual effort to make a comment about something they read on my profile or crack a clever joke... Even though 90% of that 70% aren’t funny and don’t catch my attention, at least they try. Snaps to them. The other 30%, however, who resort to “Hello there” - “Hey There” - “Hi” - “Hey How’s it goin” need to take a course in HOW TO NOT BE THE LAMEST PERSON EVER 101. **

   Let's look at this realistically. I receive about 5-10 messages per day lately. I reply to maybe 2 per week. I know I am not the only girl in the online dating world who has thought "Seriously.... THIS is what I get?"  Come on boys! We've already taken the pressure off by not being face to face for the initial connection. There are no nerves of a crowded bar, dancehall or networking event, where immediate rejection is public and humiliating. You have absolutely NOTHING to lose and absolutely NO WAY to stand out unless you actually make an effort.

   Exclusively for my readers, I have decided to post a few of the more ridiculous messages I have received over the past few months. I WISH I had not deleted the really terrible ones for your viewing pleasure, but that damage was done before my bloggin days.

WARNING: Some of the following paragraphs contain graphic content, specifically designed to be viewed by adults and therefore may be unsuitable for children under 17. Said information may contain one or more of the following: crude indecent language, explicit sexual references, or graphic violence.

            Please note, I have kept all original spelling and punctuation intact.

I salute the mothers of these men. Here we go.

“A couple questions for you:
1. If you were a cat, what would your cat name be?
2. In your opinion, which type of cookie is the most delicious of all cookies?”

“I just wana fuck”

“hi, Okcupid says u r my only 60% match, I don't wana care about it. not sure u will be interested on me, pls check out my profile. I'm visiting LA this week AND looking for a new friend to hanout around for fun .. we can caht or talk to know each-other more befor plan something... let me know pls...”

Same Guy One Month Later – FYI I did not reply to his first message

“hi. I back from LA, it was short but interesting experience out there. specially I like Hollywood area, and the adventures of Universal studio is awesome !! Wish to go there again... This time we could not be connected, may be some other time... keep in touch and let me know how to chat you on messenger... take care...”

“If I were to know you more better, I would consider it as a blessing. Let me know what you think.”

“:-)”

“I like your hair.”

“Hello miss happy happy joy joy!”

“There' an 80 person orgy on the westside you're invited to, but the problem is if you come you'll be the 81st person, so you'll have to share or you'll have no partner.”

“Pancakes or Waffles”

“yah I'm hot, yah I have a big cock, but I think it's the nice guy inside that makes me stand out from the rest ;)”

   I’m not sure how to segue way after that last one, but I will say this. It’s unfortunate that Brooklyn DID in fact fall off the face of the planet. I assure you our first exchanges were much more interesting, eventful and polite than any of these. It’s VERY fortunate that Brooklyn re-appeared a short while later, because we’ve now been on five dates, and he’s turning out to be quite a chill dude.

   So now you know one of my truths. I would love to share the lie, but unfortunately I need to clean out my inbox so that a few fortunate bachelors can make it to STEP TWO.

- “Check Please”

** Now accepting applications for Fall 2012

Brooklyn

   Brooklyn is new to my area and suggested we go see some stand-up comedy. It was something we both enjoy and I have a favorite hot spot to recommend. I get free tickets and if we go for dinner we get reserved seating for the show. My suggestion was welcomed and we made plans to meet at the bar. I arrived early and decided to go have a drink while my date was in traffic. There were four or five open stools at the bar. I had the choice to sit next to two “bros” who appeared to be wannabe standup comedians, two feisty looking girls who did not seem to want another chick in their click or.... OORRRRR an attractive, tall, dark-skinned man eating alone. Attractive male was the obvious choice. Sauntering over, I asked if I could sit next to him. I ordered a Stella from the bartender as if I knew him personally. Nice. I’m going to look so cool when my date gets here! After talking for a bit, I discovered this guy  (Lets call him Dark Knight) worked at the club. If there’s one thing you should know about me, I’m not at all a “star fucker”*, but I do drool over comedians. If a guy is funny, my radar is buzzing. We were chatting it up and I found myself having a pretty decent time. I glanced behind me when Dark Knight stopped talking and Brooklyn was standing there, looking nervous to approach me. After all I was indulged in conversation with a complete stranger. Oh man. I hope he didn’t think I was a jerk.

   I jumped down off of my bar stool and gave him a hug. He was dressed in Levi’s, a red plaid shirt, Toms and a bomber jacket. Finally! A guy with some style. He was tall and gave me a great first hug. He said “Nice to meet you.” I awkwardly said, “Yes! Let’s get dinner” and started walking away from the bar.

   Ok. It’s one thing to be meeting people online and it’s another to be MEETING people you meet online. I’m not ashamed of being in the online dating world, but I will admit I felt slightly embarrassed that my date introduced himself in a booming voice in front of Dark Knight. Clearly we’d never met before, so now it’s OBVIOUS that I’m either 1) On a blind date or 2) On a first Online Date. I know I shouldn’t care about Dark Knight or anyone’s opinion on how or where I meet men, but if Brooklyn didn’t turn out well, I could have easily met up with Dark Knight after the show. Ok… ok. That might be a little drastic. I guess I should just be proud that Brooklyn is not shy about our situation.

   We sat down to have dinner and the waiter had to come back three times. We had not even started looking at the menu. Brooklyn and I did not stop talking. I adored how he ordered a “Budweiser” and not just a “Bud.” I wish I could embed a voice bit of how he says the full name of the beer, fully pronouncing the “wei” like “why.” It was endearing. I ordered my usual chicken lemon pasta and a Stella Artois. Brooklyn had a salad with grilled chicken. Once we got our order out of the way, we went right back to chit chat. Turns out he knows one of the bands I idolized for about two months in college, The Higher. If you do not know this band, I can only describe them as the Hansen Brothers gone terribly wrong and perverted and even more Pop-y.  I was embarrassed to admit I liked them for some period of time, but it was a funny connection. When he lived in New York, Brooklyn lived down the street from the house that The National lived in. Now here’s a band I could brag about loving. I was so jealous and wanted to hear all of his stories. I got lost in conversation with this guy. Brooklyn has beautiful blue eyes and an incredible smile. He’s loud (like me) and there was never a dull moment in our conversation.

The Higher

   

   After dinner we went into the show and sat across from one another. We made the occasional eye contact when the comedians would say something either of us could relate to. It was a great show, and I was very proud to bring him to such an awesome place.

   Brooklyn asked if I needed to get home early or if I had time for another drink. Two rounds later, we were closing the bar down. He politely walked me to my car. About a block before we got there, he stood still in his tracks and put his hands in his pockets. He smiled real big and said “Hey… I had a really great time tonight. Can I see you again?” I giggled and we made plans. Plans for him to call me the next week.

   Have you ever left a date and smiled the entire way home? That exciting feeling that makes your mind a little numb. The feeling that makes you stand a little taller and sing a little louder on the drive to your house?  After the first two nightmares that I had been on dates with, Brooklyn made this blog maybe a little less exciting for you, but a little more hopeful for me.

   Life is not dull. I will leave you with the following two truths and a lie to guarantee that we will see each other again.

   - London, my new neighbor, FINALLY asked me out for ice cream. He has an accent. DROOL.

   - Brooklyn dropped off the face of the planet. Where did I go wrong?

   - I posted this from Doctor Snotface’s living room. It’s a fucked up world.

- Check Please

*”Star fucker” – A term I learned from my boss, in reference to people who are obsessed with celebrities and will do anything to get one.