Hello there - Hi - Hey There - How’s it goin”

SIMPLE STEPS TO GETTING A FIRST DATE

      ONE: Pass the initial contact/message

      TWO: Pass the profile examination (most superficial step)

      THREE: Complete a successful message thread

      FOUR: Suggest a fun/practical first meeting

   I would like to address each step in detail.

       STEP ONE:

   Like overcoming a crack addiction, you have to start somewhere.

   We will get to being the strong female making the first move at some point. I’m still too nervous to approach the subject. Today, let's talk about the daring boys who take the virtual leap and make the first "move.”

  Recently, I've been getting a little bored of my online suitors for their complete lack of creativity when sending me their opening statements. I'd say about 70% of guys make an actual effort to make a comment about something they read on my profile or crack a clever joke... Even though 90% of that 70% aren’t funny and don’t catch my attention, at least they try. Snaps to them. The other 30%, however, who resort to “Hello there” - “Hey There” - “Hi” - “Hey How’s it goin” need to take a course in HOW TO NOT BE THE LAMEST PERSON EVER 101. **

   Let's look at this realistically. I receive about 5-10 messages per day lately. I reply to maybe 2 per week. I know I am not the only girl in the online dating world who has thought "Seriously.... THIS is what I get?"  Come on boys! We've already taken the pressure off by not being face to face for the initial connection. There are no nerves of a crowded bar, dancehall or networking event, where immediate rejection is public and humiliating. You have absolutely NOTHING to lose and absolutely NO WAY to stand out unless you actually make an effort.

   Exclusively for my readers, I have decided to post a few of the more ridiculous messages I have received over the past few months. I WISH I had not deleted the really terrible ones for your viewing pleasure, but that damage was done before my bloggin days.

WARNING: Some of the following paragraphs contain graphic content, specifically designed to be viewed by adults and therefore may be unsuitable for children under 17. Said information may contain one or more of the following: crude indecent language, explicit sexual references, or graphic violence.

            Please note, I have kept all original spelling and punctuation intact.

I salute the mothers of these men. Here we go.

“A couple questions for you:
1. If you were a cat, what would your cat name be?
2. In your opinion, which type of cookie is the most delicious of all cookies?”

“I just wana fuck”

“hi, Okcupid says u r my only 60% match, I don't wana care about it. not sure u will be interested on me, pls check out my profile. I'm visiting LA this week AND looking for a new friend to hanout around for fun .. we can caht or talk to know each-other more befor plan something... let me know pls...”

Same Guy One Month Later – FYI I did not reply to his first message

“hi. I back from LA, it was short but interesting experience out there. specially I like Hollywood area, and the adventures of Universal studio is awesome !! Wish to go there again... This time we could not be connected, may be some other time... keep in touch and let me know how to chat you on messenger... take care...”

“If I were to know you more better, I would consider it as a blessing. Let me know what you think.”

“:-)”

“I like your hair.”

“Hello miss happy happy joy joy!”

“There' an 80 person orgy on the westside you're invited to, but the problem is if you come you'll be the 81st person, so you'll have to share or you'll have no partner.”

“Pancakes or Waffles”

“yah I'm hot, yah I have a big cock, but I think it's the nice guy inside that makes me stand out from the rest ;)”

   I’m not sure how to segue way after that last one, but I will say this. It’s unfortunate that Brooklyn DID in fact fall off the face of the planet. I assure you our first exchanges were much more interesting, eventful and polite than any of these. It’s VERY fortunate that Brooklyn re-appeared a short while later, because we’ve now been on five dates, and he’s turning out to be quite a chill dude.

   So now you know one of my truths. I would love to share the lie, but unfortunately I need to clean out my inbox so that a few fortunate bachelors can make it to STEP TWO.

- “Check Please”

** Now accepting applications for Fall 2012