The check came. After flipping through more than enough Jacksons in his wallet, he raised his eyebrows the way he always did and said, “Ummm… do you have any money?” Taking a deep breath, I handed over a bill to contribute. Before my final date with Dr Snotface I promised myself that I would not take out my wallet. We had been seeing each other for eight months and he had never taken me on a “proper” date. I always pulled out my cash, and he always allowed me to go Dutch. I made so many excuses for his shitty boyfriend syndrome. It was messy from the start, and by the time it was over, we had broken up and gotten back together four times. Two months after this dinner, there was finally a reason to hate Dr Snotface. I was relieved and ready to move on.
I have decided that I am young. I want to date and I want to use this space to share what it is like to be a woman in her early 20’s who isn’t necessarily looking for love… I just want someone to buy me a God damn dinner.** For now, all date locations will remain anonymous and I will generously provide my suitors with Nicknames to protect them from what is about to happen.
First problem. If I’m going to be a serial dater, where do I find men?
When you make the decision to start dating, you have to accept that things are not like “Sex and the City.” It is not that easy to 1) meet someone every time you go out 2) find time or money to go out regularly, and 3) figure out what places to go out TO.
Solution. Sign up for online dating! What better way to boost a girl’s self esteem? Let’s be honest. Things move quickly in today’s world. Efficiency is key. Why spend too much time getting to know someone when you can get the Spark Notes version with the click of a button. Seems interesting? Great! Seems lame? Next! It’s time to judge a book by its Internet cover. I plan on posting about the importance of setting up and editing your internet persona, but for now I’ve created the......
FAST TRACK TO AN ONLINE DATING PROFILE.
- Username (Be witty but not desperate. Avoid using numbers)
- Physical characteristics (Be honest but flattering)
- Age. Sex. Location. Ethnicity. Education. Like cats or prefer dogs? Dietary restrictions. Religion. Drugs. Alcohol. Want kids?
- About Me (Don’t get all awkward and pretend like you don’t want to use the website. Don’t brag too much. Try to be funny, but not annoying)
- Favorite things (The word favorite doesn’t mean 50. Select the important movies, shows, music, foods, etc.)
- Photos (Select pictures that are an accurate representation of you)
Be yourself, but the best version of yourself. The goal is to be unique and eye-catching without misleading anyone.
Reasons why Online Dating makes you feel Grrrrreat:
- There’s an abundance of men checking out your favorite self selected photos
- You can write about yourself without feeling too stupid
- You have the option of only receiving messages and not having to send the first or even reply. And let’s get one thing straight, I don’t message, I AM messaged. ::sassy:: Don’t think I’m a snob for wanting to be chased.
- Electronic “winking” – Don’t knock it ‘til you try it
- You can actually track how popular you are. Not to burst my own bubble, but I average 150 visitors a week. ::interweb pimp::
- There are no drunk men stinking of beer and cigarettes talking in a high volume dangerously close to your mouth
- The fact that you can’t see your competition! What’s so beautiful about “online shopping,” as I like to call it is you feel like the only girl in the world, Rihanna style.
Reasons why Online Dating is Gross:
- The fact that there are crazies out there who could be dangerous. SAFETY FIRST :)
- People only post the good pictures. Some may even be Photo shopped. This causes problems when you meet in person, which DOES occasionally happen!
- MIRROR SELF-SHOT PHOTOS. ‘Nuff said.
- Weirdo messages starting with “Hey Tiger” or “You look like a naughty girl” … Oh really? I look naughty with my huge glasses and Geektastic outfits? Not gonna fly, creepos
- Competition. Even though you can’t see them, there are THOUSANDS of other girls on these websites. Don’t be fooled.
After two weeks of weeding through emails, avoiding awkward instant chats, and checking out others’ profiles, I scheduled two dates. I’ve learned that it pays off to meet people who seem interesting sooner rather than later. If you continue phone conversations, text messaging, etc. you get used to the electronic version of them. It’s great that some guys are witty and charming via text, but it is disappointing when they are boring and stupid in person.
I cannot wait to share with you the goofball world of online courtship. After my dates this week, my friends and I decided the experience is too funny to not write about. On top of meeting my individual dates, we will explore choosing a website, using the website and all that comes with it.
Stay tuned to hear about my adventure to an art exhibit with el Director followed by the Brunch Date with Shrek.
- “Check, please!”
**Please note that I am not a gold-digging bitch.
No comments:
Post a Comment