Shrek

   “I can’t handle gross feet and it really bothers me when a lady goes out on a date and doesn’t have a fresh paint job on their nails.” Shrek and I were talking about things we’re shallow about. I joked that people without smart phones can’t be very smart**, and then seriously asked him if he wears Ed Hardy. He said he does NOT wear Ed Hardy, but does wear Obey. (I’m not sure what sort of comfort that was) Then he dropped that bomb on me. I immediately peeked down at my feet trying to determine if they were un-gross enough. I put my hand out as if to stop traffic and checked out my nails. They looked rockin’. Phewf. Wait a second. WHAT? This was the first time I found it hard to take Shrek seriously.

   Shrek had consistently asked to have a phone conversation with me. When I finally allowed it, he talked a lot about fitness, P90X, high school football, and even told me his weight. Right after he told me his weight, he further explained that if he were to lose any, he wouldn’t look good. Gee, thanks for the reassurance! We hadn’t even met yet, but I was a little worried. Body image disorder, much? A few days later, I received a picture text of the muscle man at the gym making a cheap comment about my Alma mater. He was wearing a shirt supporting my school’s arch enemy. Mind you, he didn’t go to the school. He was just a fan. This was the second time I could not take Shrek seriously.

   We had initially planned on meeting for a drink after he got off work on a weeknight. My bestie, Special K was nice enough to go to dinner/grab a beer with me until he met up. When he texted at 9:30 saying he’d be there in 20 minutes, I asked to reschedule. He made some jokes about me flaking on him, and of course I got defensive about meeting someone late at night that I had never met before. (It’s a good thing Special K was there. She is great at keeping me sane when I freak out over awkward texts from boys). He called me and I explained that I had to get up early the next morning and would love to have coffee on Saturday. Shrek was reluctant to schedule a day date with me, but did so knowing I would not have any time to meet him until a week later.

   Considering it was a day date, I allowed Shrek to pick me up under two conditions 1) He did not kill me 2) He did not make things super awkward on the ride home if we had a horrible time. He accepted my terms. When I walked out my door to meet him, I honestly had to look around a little bit. There he was. Standing against his car. 6’4” is the height I was expecting. It’s possible that Shrek actually IS 6’4”, but his body is not at all proportionate. His legs are as long as mine. I am 5’6” on a good day. His upper body was HUGE. My first thought was SHREK!!!! His figure reminded me of a less pudgy version of the beloved Scottish ogre. Short legs, big chest, big head, a little hunched. My second thought was old? My third was REALLY… those sunglasses? And of course, he was wearing an “Obey” t-shirt. Too late to back out now?

   The car ride over to the fancy breakfast spot we were headed to was awkward. It was obvious; despite our high online “match” that we were not going to click right away. Yes, first dates are always a little awkward. I am pretty good at breaking through that, but when a guy is already checking his phone on the drive to the date, a girl can’t help but second-guess her awesomeness. It is amazing the vibe that attraction (or  non-attraction) can put off. I felt like he was staring me down – checking my nails, my feet, my weight, my hair. Did I mention that I made sure to wear my Barney Purple nail polish with a sparkle topcoat just to make sure he noticed my fresh paint job? It may have been a bit of a stab on my part, but I was happy to stick it to him.

   After a few uncomfortable minutes of conversation at the restaurant, I finally got a coffee out of our waitress. I was tired, and Shrek made me get up early on a weekend. Finding little to discuss, I asked him if he drinks coffee, and he replied “No. I stopped drinking caffeine. I also didn’t eat meat for a year. But a month ago, I started eating poultry again.”

   I am not joking.

   In an attempt to tease with him, I suggested the protein scramble. Of course he didn’t laugh. He told me he was considering it, but was “going to be bad and order the breakfast burrito.” I gave him thumbs up and said “Yay! It has chicken sausage.” Then I shrugged and ordered the fruit and yogurt.

   This took up the first 25 minutes at the restaurant.

   There were a few moments when I got lost in Shrek’s big brown eyes almost forgetting I was with an ogre. During one of those brief moments, Shrek reached up to give me a high five. We were talking about the new gym opening, and I had explained that I bought my pass before it was renovated so that I wouldn’t have to pay the new fee. I felt strong. I had his approval. I think he even said “That’a girl.” Then I saw that he shaves his arm hair. I did not notice his eyes the rest of the date. I felt like saying “You judge a girl for not having a fresh coat of nail polish, but it’s okay for you to show up with arms more prickly than a budding cactus?” Given, I didn’t shave my legs for the date, but I had the decency to wear a long dress.

   Shrek and I did have a few things in common regarding my hometown and our shared interest in sports. Other than that, it was a relief to finally walk out of the restaurant and into the sunshine. In a strange need to prove my athleticism, I told him about the amazing bike ride I was going to go on when I got home. (If I could ever get home). On the way to the car, we passed by a tent with 4 or 5 perfectly shaggy puppies that were rescued and looking for adoption. Seeing as Shrek’s profile stated, “Loves dogs, hates cats,” I thought this was going to save us both. Here we would bond over dogs licking our faces and desperately searching for love and attention.

   Shrek let me talk to the ladies helping and play with the dogs while he stood back on his phone. I walked towards the car in disgust. That’s it, mister. I asked him if he even HAD a dog, since he made a point in his first message to me that he hates cats. He told me that he does not personally have a dog, but his “family” dog is a Papillion. He continued to explain to me how smart the breed is and how it’s worth it to spend the money on a purebred rat-dog. Oh man. This is reason number four hundred seventy three that I could NOT take Shrek seriously.

   When Shrek did not get out of the car to say goodbye or thank me for a great time, I assumed he also did not have a fantastic experience. I will be honest, I was a little surprised to get two texts from him later that day, and another the following. I waited to answer until the third text. I was polite, but made sure he knew I was not interested. I’m sure he will find his Fiona somewhere far far away. I just hope in the mean time, I don’t run into him at the gym. Guess I’ll have to avoid the weight room.............. ;)

   In recent news, last night I went on a fabulous date with Brooklyn and can’t wait to tell you about it!

- “Check Please”

**If Orange’s fiancé ever tells the story of us getting lost because I tried to use my iPhone to find a bar, I’ll just die.